ส่วนอันนี้ที่เฮียแกแปะไว้ที่ 163 อันนี้เป็นไดอารี่อันใหม่ที่เฮียแกเพิ่งเขียนเมื่อวันที่ 5 ที่ผ่านมาเองค่ะ
《我的悲哀》 2009-05-05 18:30
常常会有人发信件问我《地藏》还写么？
我要么不回答，要么回一句：无限期。
我并不否则这件事情的确是我生命中的一个阴霾，遗忘是不可能的，倘若我发现自己真的遗忘了，那仅仅是我将这一切悄悄的放下了而已。
我在认识洛洛之前有个成都的爱人，他叫航，现在是成都高新西区某大学的一名普通学生。网络上偶尔有些爱搜集的人可以搜到当年我们暧昧的合影，但我都没有再提及过。太复杂，也太应该遗忘。
2006年我们相识，而后的这些年里我们纠缠，伤害，不舍，各种各样的幸与不幸发生着...直到现在。至于爱过么？坦白的说今天的我也不能确定这件事了，也许从来没有爱过，也许是爱到扭曲了。
也许很多人不解为什么最近我总是将洛洛的伟大与包容挂在嘴上。好吧，我很坦白的承认是因为我和航又联系了，又暧昧了，又每天每夜的纠结着过去到底是谁对不起谁，到底是谁爱谁多一点。而这些洛洛知道了，他没有和我吵闹，他选择了理解。正如他所说：“每个人都有经历，有些事情能忘掉，有些事情忘不掉，他会用最大的限额去理解，但不能跨越他接受能力的底线!”。这也就是我常说起的他因何而伟大。
有的时候我也不能明白自己为什么要对这样的一个人仍旧保有感情？唯一合理的借口就是他伤害过我，因此我永远的记得了他。并总是想去问他？等他告诉我过往那些种种他不是故意的，他也有苦衷，他也被我伤害了，然后我便可以不再那么恨他，原谅过去之后或许放下的会快些。但他从来不这样认为，他骨子里认为：我今天跟你说句分手，明天就有权利和所有人上床，后天我玩累了回来你没有权利和我计较，因为昨天已经是过去，你必须爱我，直到我再不爱你为止。
哈哈哈，我的确也接受了，那他还有错么？我想他没错。
他纯真么？他经常上网勾人，可只要你不抓到证据他永远也不会承认。但他会和每个人诉说自己是个脆弱的人，总是被感情伤害。却从来说不清楚别人怎么伤害他的。
他真诚么？他是个典型的狮子座，自大又自卑，从不听从任何人的意见，喜欢耍小聪明赢得别人的片刻赞许，如果你戳破他的谎言他会立刻和你翻脸。喜欢用绝交来威胁别人，顺势躲避自己当下的行为。
他忠诚么？他是个没有恋爱会死的人，他不断的在寻找恋爱，也从不会因为自己有了恋爱而拒绝和帅哥（很多人也许不帅，但没有碰过的肉体就是新鲜的）开房。这种事情一旦败露，他就信誓旦旦的告诉你，上床前一秒他以为这次是真爱，他就是这样相信爱情。你没资格说他的爱情是滥交！即便他每次真爱都是几天时间。
他真实么？他自己认为自己是世界上最真实的人，可他对家人，同学，朋友，爱人描述的自己都是截然不同的，甚至他会躲进厕所和男生用普通话大聊辛辣电话，走出厕所用四川话告诉朋友他有女朋友，周末再和男生做爱做的事，周日再回学校扮演着他的党员形象。他活得的确也很累。
他堕落么？不，他并不堕落，他没有什么钱，却瞧不起很多有钱的人。他喜欢高呼一些很老派的口号：例如我现在要发愤图强，每天要做图，以后要当设计师。很土也很激进，他虽然只是个大专生，但他算是学业勤力。
他值得我爱么？所有人都知道不值得，但我还是爱了。
甚至和他上过床的人都曾亲口告诉我说：你千万别恨我，航在成都，你在北京，你们还是有很多地方不了解的。你知道他有多少事情是你不知道的么？他多一个你这种身在外地，偶尔来成都陪他，给他买点东西的男友有什么不好么？你走之后他爱怎么玩，还和谁保持什么样的关系你知道么？没有我他就没有别人么？你醒醒好么？
那次我的确醒了，我的确意识到自己所做的一切有些可笑。我试着放下这段困扰了我很久的感情，我试着去迎接新的生活，也很幸运的遇到了一个天使，这个天使带我走出了过去，他是谁？我想你们大家都是认识的，他已经成为无数人心中的神。
人是下贱的动物，这话并非绝对。只不过是每个人的下贱只有你生命中的极个别人能够感受到，大众看不见的。我承认我也有，并且很严重，只是你们没机会看见。
或许是一年多的好日子让我身在福中不知福了，或许是我对过去的种种不快释怀了，开始发觉过去两个人都有对错？其实什么也不是，仅仅是你没有忘记。不然过去经历中的那么多人，你也不会单单和他又一次联系，两个超级贱货美其名曰的说着：大家还是朋友。
人与人之间的第一天总是最虚伪的，强装潇洒，摆出一副对过往已不再介怀的优雅姿态，言语间三不五时的还要送给对方一句“你现在有了新感情，祝你幸福哦”。
我们开始窥探着对方的心底，找啊找啊，就想知道自己的位置还在么？其实在又如何？你会离婚去和他继续前缘么？你不是傻子，你不会的。不在又怎样？你今天已经有了新感情，谁心里还有没有你？还有实质的意义么？
我们回首过去，他继续找回了过去的语气，用小野蛮和小撒娇的态度对我说话。告诉我他这两年的生活，告诉我他曾有个很胖的男友，但是自己不爱他，仅仅是因为寂寞而填补空虚，等有了好的就甩掉。说啊说啊，一切开始渐渐变得不像朋友了。大家装不下去了，他开始对洛洛今天的生活吃醋，我开始对他这段时间又和好几个男人发生肉体关系的事情而发飙。
我：我就是不能接受这个，我觉得特不公平。
他：我以为咱们一辈子不联系了啊，我也要为自己想想的。
我：你每想一次就要上床一次是吧？
他：你什么人啊？你都跑去结婚了，还管我和谁上床干嘛啊？
我们还会偶尔无耻却出于本性的总结他和那么多男人ML哪个感觉最舒服？不知道是我们的无耻？还是对我的安慰？还是我该引以为傲？他说和我最舒服，真的。
彩信里的他已经不像过去那么青春逼人，容貌也有不小的改变，如果是今天我遇见这个人我想除了擦肩而过我不会有丝毫欲念。但我悲哀的承认，因为他曾让我伤心到不曾自拔，所以我无法忽视他的存在，在我脑海中他还是三年前的样子。还企图在他身上找回点什么，而那一点究竟是什么？我也不知道，是公平么？或许只是更多的不平衡。
那天他对我说让我去成都过生日，他陪我几天的时候。
我忍耐不住这一切的时候我问了那句：你还爱我么？
他沉默了，许久之后告诉我说：我不知道，咱们就这样做朋友吧。
坦白说那一瞬间我挺失望的，因为不管他怎么想，我都知道自己这些年不是玩玩而已，起码未来我也做不到和他偶尔偷情，和别人共用他的身体。
在吵架之后，他说了一句：你嫌弃我烂，可以当不认识我啊。然后关机了。
我挺痛苦的，实在压抑到不能自抑。我把这个秘密告诉了洛洛，自私的期待他的救赎。
即使洛洛对这件事情的评价是：“你们很无聊”。
但他还是劝解我：“看开点，没有结果的事情就算了。不要再去计较过去的输赢，你今天有幸福的感情你已经赢了，他怎样已经不是你该考虑的了，或许你认为他也有痛苦，或许他过的真的开心。”
五一期间我们没有任何联系，五一之后当我知道这几天航又和某个男人发生了性关系。我已经不似过去的五雷轰顶。但是我挺为自己悲哀的，悲哀的就是...三年啊，我能有几个三年？我能有几个三年的青春？带着心口的压抑和骨子里的犯贱我发了一条信息给他
“航！我们之间真的没有误会，是太了解彼此了。我怎么会遇到你这种人？不要和别人提起你和我在一起过，别让别人耻笑我。”
我知道他是不会回复的，因为他每次想起我都是失恋之后，尽管除了我之外他的每段感情都不超过两个礼拜，上完床之后别人和他说分手时，他或许会难过几分钟，在那几分钟里有的时候他会想起我，会说一切都是错过。有的时候不会。
一年有五十几个礼拜，三年有很多很多个礼拜。
人生就是这样。
电影《南京，南京》就要开场了，洛洛坐在我的旁边斜视着我充满怨气的脸，一把按住了我的手，用眼睛告诉我，示意我把手机放回去。
洛：你想干什么？他不是你老婆了！你知道么？
我：我就是...
洛：那是你爱过的人，别做让自己后悔的事，你们俩能一直念念不忘就是过去做了太多对不起彼此的事儿，你们要不就见一面，要不就什么也别做了。
我：其实我从来没有想过和你分手。
洛：我知道，我一直都想你们聊天，我觉得你们一直恨彼此挺累的，可是你们也不能太离谱啊。
我：对不起...
洛：最好你去成都和他见一面，又好上了，我就自觉退出。要是没好上，肯定就是你也不想和他怎样了。
我：怎么可能呢，哎
洛：他不知道我的存在么？
我：知道，谁不知道你啊。
洛：我挺同情他的，要是有人真爱他，他也不至于这样，你们两个都想太多了。
我：我们不会再联系了，我们昨天骂的很难听。
洛：那就别再联系了。
航不是坏人，他真的不是。我们之间在记忆中或进行时造成的伤害绝对是互相的。
我相信我们彼此从来都是抱着为对方好的心态一次次的道别与复合，这些年来一次又一次，戏码陈旧到早该腐烂，只有我们两个贱人还在循环上演。单凭这一点我公平的说，航也是有付出的，或许对于他来说算是曾经的巨大。可我们两个人就像活在两个世界的疯子，远离时怀念，怀念里带着人性中些许的真爱，只要一走进出了伤害还是伤害。
没有过去，我们就是一对陌生人。
有了过去，我们永远不会真的释怀。
没有未来，曾经没有，以后更不会有。
所谓悲哀，仅仅是人和电脑唯一的区别就是，电脑有回收站，人脑没有。人脑不能存储许多必要的知识，所以不是每个人都考上了名牌大学，人脑不能丢弃很多恼人的垃圾，所以聪明与笨拙的人心里都有一些牵绊的情感。
我太太是不常上网的人，倘若他真的闻讯这里有一篇他爱人的自白，希望他别怪我，人性里有善良也有邪恶，有坚强也有脆弱，有真实也有虚幻。尽管这是一个爱人应该包容的，但毕竟大部分人都做不到，有一个人为我做到了，我欠他太多太多。
世界上没有绝对的爱，没有绝对的恨，没有绝对的记得，更没有绝对的遗忘。尽管芸芸众生嘴边上都潇洒的说着：“看开，看淡了。何必纠结这些呢？ ” 但众生亦是矛盾的，连一个陌生人的故事都无法做到无视？何谈无视掉自己的经历呢？
人是不是和世界上最美的人结婚后就再也没有烦恼了呢？
（些心里话,是一个已婚的人该说的么？哎，这就是悲哀）
Tran: "I Sorrowful" 2009-05-05 18:30
Some people will send the letter to ask that frequently I "Ksitigarbha" will also write?
I either did not reply that either returns to one: Unlimited time.
Otherwise I this matter indeed is not in my life haze, forgetting is impossible, if I discovered that the real forgetting, that was merely I quietly lays down all these.
I before knowing LuoLuo has Chengdu's spouse, he is called the navigation, the present is Chengdu Gao Xinxi an area some university's pass student. In the network occasionally some loves collect the human might obtain by search in the past our ambiguous group photo, but I did not have to mention again. Too complex, also too should forget.
in 2006 we are acquainted with one another, these years in then we pester, the injury, the shed, various good fortunes with is not occurring unfortunately…Until now. As for has loved? Said honestly today's I cannot determine perhaps this matter, has not loved, perhaps was likes twisting.
Why were many people perhaps relentless I always greatly to hang recently LuoLuo with containing on the mouth. Good, I very honest acknowledgment is because I and the navigation have related, also has been ambiguous, also who was each night intertwining the past is every day is unfair to anyone, is who loved whose many spots. But these LuoLuo have known, he has not been noisy with me, he has chosen the understanding. Just like he said: “each people have the experience, some matters can forget, some matters could not forget, he will use the maximum quota to understand, but cannot surmount him to accept ability the agent!”. This is also he who I often mention but why great.
Sometimes I cannot understand why I could still hold the sentiment to a such person? The only reasonable excuse is he has injured me, therefore I forever have remembered him. And always wants to go to ask him? Waits for him to tell me passing these all sorts of him is not intentionally, he also has the difficulties, he has also been injured by me, then I then may no longer that hate him, after forgiving, perhaps lays down can quick. But he always not like this believed that in his bone thought: I say the sentence to you to bid good-bye today, will have tomorrow the right and all people goes to bed, the day after tomorrow I will play tired came back you not to have the right and I haggled over, because yesterday was already the past, you must love me, will not love you again until me.
Ha, I have indeed also accepted, then he also has the mistake? I think him wrong not.
He is pure? He accesses the net to cancel the human frequently, so long as but you will not catch the evidence he forever not to acknowledge. But he can with each person relate that he is a frail person, always by sentimental injury. How actually doesn't talk clearly others to injure him.
He is sincere? He is a typical market capitalization, feels inferior arrogantly, ever does not obey anybody's opinion, likes acting smart wins others' moment commending, if you puncture his rumor he to get angry immediately with you. Likes with breaking ties to threaten others, takes advantage of opportunity avoids the immediately behavior.
He is loyal? He is the human who will not have the love to die, he unceasing will be seeking for the love, also ever not because will have the love to reject and the handsome fellow (many people are not perhaps graceful, but has not bumped human body will be fresh) opens the room. Once this kind of matter exposes, he vows solemnly tells you, goes to bed preceding second he to think that this time is loves really, he believes love like this. You did not have the qualifications saying that his love was indiscriminates in making friends and finding sexual partners! Even if his each time real Ido brand is several days.
He is real? He thought that he is in the world the most real person, but he to the family member, schoolmate, the friend, the spouse describes are entirely different, even he will hide in the restroom and the male student loudly chats with the standard spoken Chinese the pungent telephone, will go out the restroom to tell the friend with the Sichuan words him to have the girlfriend, weekend will again do the matter which with the male student will like doing, on Sunday will return to the school to act his party member image again. He lives is very indeed also tired.
He degenerates? No, he does not degenerate, he does not have what money, actually despises the rich person. He likes shouting loudly some very old-fashioned person's slogan: For example I must go all out to make the nation strong now, every day must make the chart, later must work as designer. The earth also is very very radical, although he is only a junior college student, but he is the studies is diligent.
He is worth me loving? All people know are not worth, but I loved.
Even the human who has gone to bed with him once personally told me saying:Do not hate me, the navigation in Chengdu, you in Beijing, you have many places not to understand. You knew how many matters he does have is you do not know? His many your this kind of bodies in the outside areas, occasionally come Chengdu to accompany him, what buys a thing to him the boyfriend to have not to be good? After you walk, how does he like playing, but also and who maintains what relates you to know? My he has not had others? You awake?
That I have indeed awaked, I indeed realize all which one do to be somewhat laughable. I tried to lay down this section to puzzle I very long sentiment, I tried to greet the new life, also very lucky has met an angel, this angel led me to go out, who was he? I thought that your everybody is the understanding, he already became in the innumerable person heart's god.
The human is the despicable animal, this saying by no means absolutely. But is each person despicable only then in your life side few people can feel, the populace cannot see. I acknowledged that I also have, and is very serious, is only you do not have opportunity seeing.
Perhaps was more than one year of auspicious day lets my body not know the luck in the luck, perhaps was I has gotten over an emotion not quickly to past all sorts, started to detect two people both had to wrong? Actually anything is not, is merely you had not forgotten. Otherwise the past experienced that many people, you solely will not relate once again with him, two super inexpensive goods gave the euphemistic name are saying: Everybody friend.
Between the human and the human the first day is always most false, the strong attire was natural, exhibits one to the graceful posture which passing no longer was offended, the spoken language three 5:00 do not need to give opposite party “you to have the new sentiment now, wished you to be happy”.
We start to spy on opposite party moral nature, looks looks, wants to know own position also in? Actually in how? You will divorce and him continue the predestined affinity? You are not the fool, you cannot. In is also not what kind of? You already had the new sentiment today, who also has you at heart? Also has the substantive significance?
We look back, he continues has retrieved the expression, with the manner which small barbaric and slightly acts like a spoiled brat to me speaks. Tells me he these two years life, told me him once to have a very fat boyfriend, but did not love him, was merely because of lonely fills void, and so on had good throwing off. Said that said that all started become gradually do not look like the friend. Everybody could not install, he starts to LuoLuo today's life to be jealous, I started to his this period of time and several men have the human body relations matter to act crazy.
I: I cannot accept this, I thought that is especially unfair.
He: I thought that we do not relate for a lifetime, I must think for myself.
I: You thought every time one time must go to bed a time?
He: Your what person? You ran have married, but also who managed me and goes to bed does?
Which feeling we occasionally will be also shameless actually stem from the natural disposition total guitar and that many man ML are most comfortable? Did not know that is our shameless? To my comfort? I should take arrogantly to? He mediates me to be most comfortable, really.
In color letter's he already not likely passed the youth to be so threatening, the appearance also has not the small change, if will be I meets this person I to want today except to brush past I not to have slightly the desire. But my sorrowful acknowledgment, because he once let me to not once extricate oneself sadly, therefore I am unable to neglect his existence, in my mind he is three year ago appearance. What also does the attempt retrieve on his body selects, but is actually that spot what? I did not know that is fair? Perhaps is only more is not balanced.
That day he to me said that lets me go to Chengdu to celebrate a birthday, he accompanies I several day-long time.
I could not endure patiently this all time me to ask that sentence: You also love me?
He has silenced, told me to say afterward for a long time: I did not know that we like this are the friend.
Said honestly that flash I am very disappointed, no matter because how he did think, I knew oneself these years are not play, minimum I also will not be in the future able to achieve to and him occasionally have an affair, will use in common his body with others.
After quarrelling, he said one: You shut out me to be rotten, may work as does not know me. Then closed down.
I am very painful, constrains really cannot the self-restraining. I told this secret LuoLuo, selfish anticipates his redeeming.
Even if LuoLuo to this matter's appraisal is: “you are very bored”.
But he consoles me: “sees through the spot, did not have the result matter. Do not haggle over again the victory and loss, you had happiness sentiment you already to win today, wasn't he how already your this consideration, perhaps you thought that he also had the pain, perhaps he really happy.”
51 period we do not have any relation, after 51, when I knew that these day of navigations have had the sexual relationship with some man. I already did not resemble liking a sudden thunderclap. But I am very oneself sorrowful, sorrowful is…Three years, how many three years can I have? How many three year youth can I have? Brought Chest's constraining to be inexpensive I with bone's in commit to send an information to give him
“navigation! Between us really has not misunderstood, was too understands each other. I how will run into your this kind of person? Do not mention you and I with others is crossing together, do not let others scoff me.”
I knew that he will not reply, because after he will each time remember I will be am lovelorn, although besides me his each section of sentiments does not surpass two weeks, after finishing attending the bed, others and he will say when will bid good-bye, he may the sad several minutes, in that several minute in sometimes he remember me, will say that all will be miss. Sometimes cannot.
One year has five several weeks, three years have many weeks.
The life is this.
The movie "Nanjing, Nanjing" must begin, LuoLuo sat in mine side squints I to fill the resentment the face, has held down my hand, told me with the eye, hinted me to return the handset.
Luo: What do you want to do? He was not your wife! You know?
I: I am…
Luo : That is you have loved the human, do not do by own regret matter, you could never forget have been the past do have too been unfair to each other's matter, one side you or saw, or anything do not do.
I: Actually I had not thought and you bid good-bye.
Luo: I knew that I have thought you to chat, I thought that you have hated each other to be very tired, but you cannot be too odd.
I: Being unfair to…
Luo: One side best you go to Chengdu and he see, also on good, I on own initiative withdraw. If does not have well on, how definitely was you do not want with him.
I: How possible, ya
Luo: He does not know my existence?
I: Knew that who doesn't know you.
Luo: I very sympathize with him, if some people love him really, he as for like this, your two both did not want to be too many.
I: We will not have related again, we scolded yesterday are very coarse.
Luo: That left relates again.
The navigation is not an unprincipled person, he is really not. The injury which when the memory between us or carries on creates is absolutely mutually.
I believed that our each other is always hugging for an opposite party good point of view saying goodbye with compound, these years time and time again, the program to should corrupt early obsoletely, only then our two cheap people also at circulation performance. Only this point I said fairly that the navigation also has pays, perhaps regarding him is once hugeness. But both of us likely live in two world lunatics, is far away when in fondly remembers, fondly remembers is having in the human nature the trifle real love, as soon as so long as entered the injury to injure.
Has not passed, we are a pair of stranger.
Had, we never really will get over an emotion.
Without the future, once did not have, later will not have.
So-called sorrowful, is merely the human and the computer only difference is, the computer has the recycling station, the human brain does not have. The human brain cannot save many essential knowledge, therefore was not each people have passed an examination the Good university, the human brain could not discard irritating trash, therefore intelligent and in the clumsy will of the people had the emotion which some hobbled.
My wife not often accesses the net human, if he really hears the news here to have his spouse's confessing, hoped that he does not blame me, in the human nature has nicely also has evil, has strongly also has the frailty, really has also has unreal. Although this is a spouse should contain, but the majority of people cannot achieve after all, some person did for me, I owed him too many to be too many.
In the world the absolute love, absolute hate, absolute remembering, has not had absolute forgetting. Although nearby all living things mouth on natural was saying: “sees through, looked that was pale. Why intertwines these?” But all living things are also contradictory, is unable including a stranger's story to do disregards? He Tan disregards her experience?
After the human has been and in the world the most beautiful person married, again also does not have the worry?
(these words, were at heart a married person should say? Ya, this is sorrowful)
credit:
http://j.law.blog.163.com
หัวข้อ: ♥ ♡ คู่เกย์จีนปักกิ่ง j.law & kirio น่ารักมากกกกก ♡ ♥ (อ่าน 2111483 ครั้ง)
หน้าแรก
ช่วยเหลือ
เข้าสู่ระบบ
สมัครสมาชิก